So I went to the therapist today, and in a pretty shitty mood. I was feeling down, sad, for some reason, and I couldn’t understand what on earth was going on in my head. Usually, I’d just start drawing something, and that’d call me down. That didn’t happen this time. So probably it was a good thing that my date with Silvia, my therapist, was today, huh? …Well no.
I wanted to talk about something I didn’t know what it was. I know it sounds stupid, but that was how I felt… We ended up talking about my sister instead. I most certainly didn’t want to talk about my sister. Add to that, the fact that I got there 20 minutes late because the bus decided to fuck with me today, and you can get a pretty good idea of how I was feeling when I got out of there. Yes, exactly.
I felt like crying, but I don’t usually cry. Specially not with other people, and most certainly not in the street. And yet, the urge to do so was so strong, I felt I could only hold it back for a little while.
Well, there usually isn’t much people in my way home from Silvia’s if I go back walking, and it is a pretty nice part of town, so I decided to stretch my legs, even if it was quite a long way. The thing is, people apparently decided to flood that part of Buenos Aires today, and there was some idiot walking by everywhere, all the time (not to offend these idiots).
So, to hold back the feeling, I decided to go over what I talked with Silvia in this session, and see if I could find something, anything, some kind of clue, that could led me to the source of my unhappiness this morning. I rememered telling her about me being helplessly bored many times, and guessed maybe it had something to do with the way I felt.
Wait, so, why am I so bored? I know things have changed from when I was younger, but I do recall having this feeling of emptiness, of lack of self-satisfaction or joy for life since way back. So, what is it, really? Yeah, the fact that things are changing could also be part of the problem.
Not only am I changing, my perception of the world, and even my perception of myself changed a lot, specially in this last 5 years I’ve spent in Secondary school. My mood, only to name an example, has varied a lot through-out the years. I used to think I had a volatile personality, that I was strong-willed, but just too shy to show it. But, lately I’ve understood, I’ve been showing how I feel in different ways. I always thought making me mad would be an easy task, as I get embarrassed or happy so easily. But now, I realise I almost never get mad, at anything, anyone -of course, this is something you only discover once you get truly angry for the very first time. Why is this? Why don’t insults, provocations, and the like get to my nerves? Is the reason, maybe, that they are not enough?
Then, is the reason I’m usually bored at life, that nothing is enough to fully please me? Actually, the only thing that got me hanging so many years, and that still succeeds at interesting and amusing me, is what most people call ‘fantasy‘. That’s right, books, comic-books, manga, anime, series; that’s the only thing I actually enjoy doing every day -except, of course, for writting and drawing, wich is basically creating my own fantastic world.
This real world, this ‘reality‘, this thing… Doesn’t please me.
And then I understood. Unfortunately, and unwittingly, I’ve become modern society’s lowest kind of scum: a stupid unsatisfied lazy teen.
Oh god, you should’ve seen my face the instant that thought came to my mind! I was literally in shock.
So what do I mean by an ‘unsatisfied lazy teen‘, and why is this realisation so bad for me? Well, seen hipsters? Or those guys that the only thing they do in the whole day is complain about the system and how it ruins everyone’s lifes, but don’t actually move a finger to try and change it? Or people that say they’re bored by every-day stuff, so the only thing they can spend their time on are videogames/anime/comic-books/books-in-general/etc., but never do a thing to change their actual reality? Like those politicians who can only blab about what’s wrong with the country, but can’t bring themselves to actually practice what they preach? Or, or… Well, you get the idea. People who seat there, complaining and complaining, escaping by doing any kind of other stuff, but not brave enough to change what they hate so much. I’ve become that kind of people. And I’m despising myself at the moment. And, if you’re one as well, I’m probably depising you too.
I guess, now that I’ve discovered this sad, but very true fact, I can start working on it. Maybe look for something else to fill my life with, maybe meet new people, maybe a boyfriend, some new project, going back to the Student’s Center -no, wait…. I just know I want to keep figuring myself out, and building this poor self that will soon be ‘an active member of society’ (ugh), so I need to keep on walking.
Well, I really do feel better after writing all this! I sure hope this stupid mood of mine disappears by tomorrow, and that this lowly condition can be redirected to something better soon.
Thank you,
-Mila.
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