I would excuse myself if I could be excused in any possible way. But I can’t. I really just abandoned this place without a second thought, and haven’t even had the decency to check in once in a while for several months.
That’s so me… -facepalm-.
I don’t even know how active I’ll really be from now on, to be honest. I better not make promises, cause I won’t keep them. I just know I’m depressed; like, REALLY depressed. And writing can work as a nice therapeutic exercise for me (specially when talking about stuff I’m passionate about).
Well, let’s take this struck of inspiration and fill you (whoever is still reading this) in on the recent events that have taken place in my life.
Well, I finished high school. Yay. Now my life can commence, or can it? I don’t know. I don’t know what I want to do, I’m not even sure I even want to do anything. I want to draw all day, but I’m not even drawing as much lately. I want to think, but I don’t have the will to just grab a book and start analyzing it. I just want to lay motionless on my bed as time passes by, and I’m pretty sure that’s not a good sign.I’ve been keeping myself busy with roleplays and games. Only recently have I started watching anime and reading manga again, which is something I used to do at all times some months ago.
But, the fact that I don’t know what to do doesn’t mean anyone around me has any idea of what they want for my life. My parents, for example, are pestering me to get up and study. Yeah right. I can’t even think straight lately, and you want me to prepare for trigonometry exams? Keep dreaming.
Apart from that, I spent a few months in some part-time jobs. You know, to spend time, and earn some money.
No, wait. That’s a lie. I started working because I NEED the money. Why, you ask? We’ll get to that in a second.
But yeah, I worked at a restaurant and at an English Institute as a secretary. Had some fun. At least I walked out of my house once a day.
I still spend most of my time in my computer, though. The only thing that interests me and makes me passionate is there, after all.That’s right, ladies and gentlemen! The only thing is a guy!
Oh, of course, god forbid I ever actually like a guy who makes a move on me over here. That could make me happy, and the Universe doesn’t want that, no. The first time I fall in love with someone, he just HAS to be several thousand miles away from me. Because it makes it more fucking interesting.
Before anyone asks, he’s from New Jersey, and, when talking to him, or even thinking about him, I’m the happiest human on Earth. But when he’s away, or I remember how far away he is, my chest feels empty, like a void of darkness sucking up every inch of joy from my mind.
Yes, that’s what the money was for. I’m saving up to go see him, which is the only actual thing I really really want to do. But, of course, plane tickets are EXPENSIVE (US$600~800), and the dollar itself is expensive here (ARG$6 equals US$1). And not only are dollar bills expensive, they’re difficult to obtain because of the many restrictions the government puts on those transactions (measures I’m ironically in favor of). Hey, maybe I could make a post explaining why that is later, who knows.
So yeah, getting there by the end of this year, as we had planned, seems to be impossible now. And please don’t ask “then why doesn’t he go over to where you are, huh??”. He has his own personal problems.
But I think today I crashed against the bottom of my depressive hole.
Talking about the future and such, Seraph (the guy) mentioned that the most viable option is for him to join the army if he doesn’t find some way to earn money by the end of this year.
I don’t want that.
I don’t want that at all.
But I’m not one to impose myself on other peoples’ choices, even if it’s the guy I love and who loves me back. If he wants to join, then he will. But… I’m so scared. I’m so unbelievably scared. The mere thought of the possibility of something happening to him immediately paralyzes me.
So, today, I decided I need to pull my shit together once and for all. The conclusion my naive brain got to is: if I study a lot and find a good job, then he’ll have more time to find something else, and maybe won’t feel forced to join the army.
Yes, I know this is just wishful thinking. Shut up.
So, sulking over the fact that I feel useless, the thought of this place came back to my mind.
Well, I feel a little better now. I really do… I also hadn’t done this in a while. It feels nice.
Anyways, sorry about the personal rant. I just need to clear my head and start moving, and I know that. This helps.
I hope you’re ok and don’t have to worry about money or whatever else, and are in love with someone you can touch, and can have fun while walking down the street surrounded by loving couples, and don’t feel like assaulting an ice-cream shop.
Gosh I need ice-cream.